We’re all mad here.

It’s a weird feeling to feel both fulfilled and complete but at the same time overwhelmed and on the brink of madness.

One minute you are thanking your lucky stars and the next you are wondering how the heck you ended up in this exact space on earth surrounded by a family that you created from your own blood, sweat, and tears.

It is just weird.

One day you are just you. If you are having an off day you could spend the whole day sulking under the covers binging junk food in silence. The next you have all of these tiny lives depending on you for their survival.

It obviously doesn’t happen over night.

Looking back my past memories of life before the current keeps getting dimmer as my brain files them to the very back to make room for the important ones. As if those moments were just the tip of the ice burg and now I’m getting to the bulk of it.

I don’t know exactly how I got here. Most days I am thankful. Thankful to be needed. Thankful to be wanted. Thankful for the health, wealth, and stability of my family.

I am thankful. So very thankful…

But fuck me. I could use a solid mental break to create some new head space. Restart, reboot, and declutter my mind. Close a few of the million tabs I left open and accept that I never have to revisit them.

Today I was trying to declutter and I was having a hard time letting go of things. I said to myself… if my house were to burn down now would I miss this?

The answer was no.

So I tossed out so much stuff. It felt wonderful.

Which lead me to my next thought.

If my brain were to give out now… would I miss all of the memories stored inside? The little grins, the messy hands, the good night hugs and kisses.

If I were only given a few months to live, would I cherish the little things in each moment that much more?

Would I miss this…

Yes.

I. would. miss. every. moment.

I love going with the flow, rough currents and all. It’s all apart of the experience. You never know where you will end up. But some how it always feels like it’s exactly where you’re suppose to be.

*originally wrote 12-5-2020